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Customer Support

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

Operator: ‘Computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect ‘

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble?’

Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’

Caller: ‘They disappeared’

Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing??’

Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’

Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’

Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?’

Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’

Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find wherethe power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’

Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’splugged into the wall..

Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice thatthere were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ‘

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again andfind the other cable.’

Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’

Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’

Caller: ‘No…’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?’

Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark?’

Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window’

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller: ‘I can’t..’

Operator: ‘No? Why not?’

Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator: ‘A power …. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up Just like it was when you got it.

Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’

Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!’

Captain Cook Question

A Cartload Of Almonds